I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
