Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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