when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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