At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.