If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium