I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
