I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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