Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
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I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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