I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.