Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life