Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
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I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going