I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
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Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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