I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
