Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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