All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
