dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
