He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom