party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Randomize
