Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one