when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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