I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize