in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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