I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
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Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
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You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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