get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize