I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing