haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet