Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?