Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
