Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
