My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
