I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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