is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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