From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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