allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.