Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...