I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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