my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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