singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
