Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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