matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.