ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?