I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila