Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize