If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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