The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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