I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
