I'm laying in your front yard are you home
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
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I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess