So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You need Xanax blowdarts
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can you bring me the toilet please
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back