Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
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Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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