My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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