Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
