I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap