it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm home, then i'll come over
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.