it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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