She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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