what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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