I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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