I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
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Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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