my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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