haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette