we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart