considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
is wine microwaveable?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.